Kamala Harris and the Second Gentleman
Remembering January 21, 2021
As election day fast approaches with Vice President Kamala Harris running against Former President Donald Trump—and as a follow up to what I shared with you recently about how internalized sexism showed up in Dave’s and my failed attempts to expand my work and our shared business over the past year—I’m reposting a piece I wrote when Kamala was sworn in to her current office just under four years ago.
I hope I’ll be writing about Madame President and our First Gentleman soon. I encourage you to keep taking whatever actions are yours to take until the last votes are counted - and beyond.
Healing from Internalized Sexism, a memory
By The Time You Read This . . .
it will be the day after the inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. I’m hoping that it will go smoothly without violence. It certainly will be a strange one in many ways.
And historic.
Our first female, first Black, first Caribbean, and first South Asian American Vice President, Kamala Harris, will be sworn in alongside yet another white guy, but one who is using his privilege to expand equity in important ways. And, I should also note, with yet another woman supporting him as wives have done for presidents with little comment or recognition for centuries.
Joe Biden wasn’t and isn’t the most progressive possible president, but I have been encouraged by his intentionality in choosing a diverse and well-qualified staff, and how he has elevated Kamala – giving her more space to speak and lead than what is typical for a VP.
And then there’s Kamala’s husband, Doug Emhoff, our nation’s first ever “second gentleman.” I hadn’t seen that term until today when I was reading an article about the inauguration day events (I try to keep up on the news that’s important for me to know, but I don’t follow a lot of media closely).
Anyway, as soon as I read the term “second gentleman”, I found myself crying.
It was a visceral reaction from a body that has internalized sexism – gotten used to the norm of men being in the starring roles in most marriages, in most organizations, certainly in our nation’s governing bodies. They were tears of - what WAS it exactly? It’s hard to name. Joy, surprise, pain, grief, hope, possibility, relief?
A visceral reaction to seeing a woman being honored in her strength, not being required to tone it down.
Just as I am still so often shocked by white violence against people of color, and the many, many other injustices BIPOC people face every day — due to my internalized white supremacy and its accompanying blindspots — I also feel shocked when women actually get to lead, and their partners support them fully.
I can hardly believe it’s true.
Like many of you, I have built up internal walls around my heart that keep me from being consciously aware of the ache of longing I have to be free to lead, free to be strong, free to be sexual, free to be angry, free to be whatever I am created to be. Often hoping feels too painful and fighting for justice feels too hard … and dangerous.
But in the moment when I read that phrase “second husband” I could breathe in just a little more deeply. There was just a little more space.
Kamala isn’t perfect and neither is Joe Biden or Doug Emhoff or Jill Biden. There’s lots of complexity in this moment of our history. And lots to grieve regarding what’s happening now and related to past moments of our history.
It’s important not to look away from the painful parts. “Niceness” and inaction on the part of people in power especially has done and continues to do harm.
AND
We can also choose to focus on and celebrate the good. We can expand the amazingness by giving it our attention. That is also important. We can choose to celebrate. And we NEED the energy of celebration!
In this moment, for me, that means relishing in the deliciousness of this new title of “second gentleman” and our Black, South-Asian, Jamaican Woman VP. It means focusing on the using our privileges to empower others rather than denying we have them or getting stuck in shame.
What are you celebrating this week amidst all the imperfections, pain and mess? What are you grieving alongside those celebrations? There’s room for it all. You’re big enough.
AND if you want to, you can develop even more capacity to hold more of both.
I’ll leave you with Amanda Gorman’s, United States Youth Poet Laureate, moving speech!
Here’s to thriving and equity, joy and justice.
Deb
P.S. Can you encourage three young people you know who might not vote because they are sick of all of it (understandably), to do so - if there are ways in which it is aligned with their true values?
Or perhaps encourage a conservative you know who is not a Trump supporter, but who would have trouble voting for Kamala to consider it? (My evangelical Christian and conservative parents just told me they are going to vote for her and it's very difficult for them, but it's more aligned with their values than voting for Trump. I honor their integrity.)
Personally, I'm not out to convince anyone to vote against their true values, but my prayer has been that where there is someone for whom it would be aligned, but they might need encouragement or support, that they will.