Struggling with Unreasonable Demands?
I’ve been thinking alot about unreasonable demands.
A colleague noted recently that it seems as if everywhere she goes organizations are understaffed and the people working there are overworked and exhausted. Doctors, nurses, and the archivists at the library where we’re doing research for our upcoming Images in America book Smith Memorial Playground and Playhouse, to name a few*. “*Why do you think that is?” she asked.
My answer was both/and.
It’s both a structural, systemic issue affecting us externally, and an internal pattern we continue to replicate even when circumstances don’t require it. Similar to what I mentioned last week about how Dave and repeated gendered patterns around work and money that neither of us consciously supports.
Typcial western cultures encourage us to live under constant pressure from unreasonable demands.
There are the external ones, such as:
A teacher being told that that on top of teaching Math, which is what they were hired to do, they also have to teach Freshman Writing. And by the way, “If you don’t take charge of the after-school girls’ soccer team, the school won’t be able to have one anymore. Oh yeah, and there’s no budget for uniforms, so could you start by running a fundraiser?”
Parents trying to do work they love, pay the bills, and raise children in a society that fails to provide affordable, high-quality childcare and early education.
People in brown and black bodies not being given constructive feedback like their white colleagues, or the informal connections that lead to opportunities, then being told they just aren’t trying hard enough.
And what about those toxic standards of professionalism that still haven’t died off — where you are supposed to come to work with the ability to suppress all human emotions and act as if you have no family or other responsibilities outside of the office.
OH and if you’re a woman - also stay sexy, but not too sexy.
These kinds of demands are very real and figuring out how to manage them is part of what I help clients to do when we work together.
We absolutely need to work to change external systems and structures. AND there is some lower hanging fruit that can bring more lightness into your life regardless of what’s happening outside.
It has to do with addressing the unreasonable demands YOU make on yourself. The ones you have the greatest power to change.
Julia Cameron, the author of The Artist’s Way, says that when we don’t give ourselves what we need, we become “vexed, angry, out-of-sorts…sullen, depressed, hostile…like cornered animals snarling at our family and friends [or students or colleagues] to leave us alone and stop making unreasonable demands.” When in fact, “we are the ones making unreasonable demands.”
We expect ourselves to function at incredibly high levels, but we aren’t willing to give ourselves what we need to do so.
Ms. Cameron is talking about artists in her book. Still, I think the thought applies equally well to non-profit leaders, spiritual guides, teachers, moms, social workers, activists, coaches, and a whole lot of other sensitive, empathetic, humans who are trapped in what I call: Perpetual Sacrifice Syndrome.
Wooded path - Oh that light on the path forward. So compelling isn’t it?
Perpetual Sacrifice Syndrome
These are the moms who tell themselves they HAVE to be the fundraising chair even though they’re already maxed out, and know that it will mean even less time with friends and family because . . . “If I don’t do it, who will?”
These are the teachers who skip yoga and stay up late doing lesson prep even though they’re exhausted because they CAN’T **just do the textbook lesson, they MUST do something much more creative and interactive — and will take a trip to the store and do at least three more hours of prep.
These are activists who give their concert tickets to a friend in order to show up for a political rally even though that concert was the one thing that’s kept them going all month — not because their heart and soul is calling them to show up at the rally, but because a colleague (or a voice inside) tells them that a true supporter wouldn’t miss this rally just because of something as "unimportant" as a concert.
These are people for whom “selfish” is about the dirtiest word in the dictionary — and they don’t ever, ever want it to land on them.
They’re good people. Responsible. Highly conscientious.
And they are very, very tired.
My dog (Brodie) with my shadow - I am nourished by the beauty of shadow and light.
You can’t give what you don’t have
Sometimes Love requires letting go of something we want for the sake of another.
Sometimes Inner Wisdom (or God/the Divine/Source) will say, “Yes, this is hard, but let’s do it.”
But not ALWAYS. Not perpetually.
It’s practically heresy in the social justice religion (and a number of other religions and spiritual communities too), but I believe:
Your FIRST job is to make sure that you are giving yourSELF what you need.
It’s not selfish. It’s uniquely your responsibility ****to nurture that deep inner part of you that is the source of all your creative energy and love and wisdom.
If you’re anything like me, the deepest part of you seems to need too much.
Too much quiet
Too much sleep
Too much unscheduled time
Too much time to recover from daily stresses
Maybe even too much money - more than what people usually get paid in your line of work.
It’s ridiculous what you would need to wake up feeling like all your needs were met.
It’s unreasonable.
It’s embarrassing.
It’s impossible.
I know. I know. But here’s the thing.
You need what you need and wishing you didn’t doesn’t make it go away.
A car needs gas to run. Really fancy/sensitive cars need really fancy and expensive gas. We don’t expect them to run without what they need. That would be UNREASONABLE.
They will break down if we don’t give them what they need. Same with plants. And animals, and really fussy babies, and social justice oriented leaders.
And yet, Perpetual Sacrifice Syndrome feeds us the lie that we can keep ignoring our needs and somehow we won’t break down.
It makes no sense.
If you feel the SLIGHTEST longing when you hear that MAYBE it is actually YOUR JOB to nourish your soul/mind/body, then I suggest you try this experiment.
Do just one tiny extravagant thing just for you. TODAY. Or tomorrow at the latest.
Do that thing that feels ridiculous, but gives you a slight pang of joy, like a kid might get rolling down a grassy hill just for the pleasure of it, not because it makes any sense.
You probably already had an idea come to mind, but if not here are a few to get the juices flowing:
· Buy yourself flowers
· Read that trashy magazine
· Dance in the bathroom where no one is looking
· Paint
· Play basketball
· Eat dessert first
· Play with Play-do
· Notice the way light filters through trees as you walk
· Pick up a leaf and stare at it for 2 minutes; breathe in the beauty
· Get in your car and scream at the top of your lungs where no one can hear you
· Meditate
Tell that inner part of yourself that is currently on the verge of starving that she finally gets to eat. Invite her to the table you prepare.
Let me know how it goes.
Here’s to thriving, not just surviving. And creating a world characterized by thriving - for all people in all kinds of bodies
Deb
Flowers: Savoring the last vestiges of summer.