No Biggie. Just Restart.
Ahhh Life. She’s a curious character.
Just after writing my last post about the Baltimore Half Marathon happening on Saturday, the 19th, my left foot —which has given me no hint of discomfort throughout months of training—developed a neuroma that made putting any pressure on it painful.
As it turned out, this occurred in the afternoon of the final day we could still defer our race to 2025. We made a quick decision. We deferred to next year.
So, now I have a whole spacious year to keep practicing what I wrote to you about last week - getting into alignment, following the Energy of Life, and relaxing.
One of the gifts of this shift has been a spaciousness of time to celebrate some significant milestones: 29 years of marriage to Dave (Oct. 7 was our anniversary) and the start of his new job as the CFO for the Unitarian Universalist Association (also Oct. 7). The job is already feeling like a wonderful fit for him — and a start to his work supporting Black non-profit leaders — which he will also continue to do through his business.
And that wasn’t a typo when I wrote “his business” instead of “ours.”
After more than a year of working to create our shared business, shared vision, shared voice etc. we’ve realized the truth is that we have two businesses, not one. So, Dave will be setting up his own business, separate from Thriving for Equity (T4E).
In many ways, we "failed."
We’ve done a couple of intentional rituals to support ourselves in naming the losses — failures, mistakes, dreams that didn't come into being — and letting them go.
In other ways, we know that we created incredible "successes."
We can already see how this year radically shaped and changed us, how we’ve been working though unhelpful patterns as individuals, as a couple, and as members of a patriarchal, racist, colonialist society.
We’re very proud of ourselves for how we’ve grown in grace, in integrity, in communication, in forgiveness, and in courage.
What is also true is that we’ve started a new marriage.
I’ve heard it said many times that no one actually stays in one marriage for a long time. Even if it looks that way externally, people change, and so does the relationship. Dave thinks this is probably our fourth or fifth marriage.
We’re working now to define what comes with us into this next marriage and what to leave behind.
One thing we’re leaving behind is the very gendered pattern of me handling the household, helping Dave to succeed, and Dave being the primary financial provider for our family. We’ve been trying to break out of that pattern for decades, but we slipped back into it as we attempted to build a business together this year.
This pattern is totally out of alignment with our conscious beliefs. But I don’t have to tell you how insidious internalized patriarchy can be.
The title of this post came from our 23-year-old son, Devin. He was sharing with us something he’s learned lately: Don’t beat yourself up for past failures and take small steps towards big changes.
This is a from kid who from about the age of five would get so angry with himself for messing up that he would throw and break things and yell horrible criticisms at himself. As a teen and young 20 year old he even punched walls upon occasion.
So, for him to have discovered this grace-filled way forward after failures?It’s quite beautiful and powerful.
I can’t help but think that Dave’s and my practice of feeling our failures, acknowledging and learning from them, and offering ourselves and each other grace and forgiveness has supported Devin as well. It’s a very different energy we live in now. “No biggie. Just restart.”
So that’s this week’s invitation.
When you find that a goal you set has to be reshaped, let go of, or pushed back.
Anytime that you feel that you have “failed" . . .
I invite you to make use of our current family motto: “No biggie. Just restart.”
Here's to thriving and equity, messing up and moving forward,
Deb
P.S. I am taking these next few months to cultivate the soil of a restart/rebirth to my work and business. I wonder what form it will take?
Since you’re still here, I’d love to hear about what’s going on in your life that you’d like help with, so I can take that into account in what I offer next. Hit reply or click here and let’s set up a time to talk!
P.S.S. Desiree Adaway shared some really helpful resources I wanted to pass along. Resources for the next three weeks:
If you’re nervous about phone banking the Workers Family Party is hosting, “Phonebank Basics for Introverts and Newbies”
You can build your ballot here, this is a resource that will show you every race and ballot measure you can expect to see based on where you live —it gives you information on each candidate/measure and you can generate a digital ballot to use to fill out your official ballot
She lives in North Carolina, a swing state, and has been raising money for four organizations doing great work on the ground there. You can learn more and donate here.
P.S.S.S. This past week I went out canvassing for our candidate for senate - introvert that I am you will be shocked to hear that I DID NOT DIE. My nervous system sure acted like it thought I would tho! I have also sent postcards in support of a school board candidate in another county. Actually managed to order and put up yard signs and a magnet on my car. These are actions I have never taken before. It's not too late. You don't have to do these things, but you can do SOMETHING!
