The Power of Gentle Pattern Breaking
I shared with you that I attended a Braver Angels debate in Washington, D.C. a couple of weeks ago.
In some ways, it was an obvious choice for me.
For years, I’ve believed that as a nation—and as a global community—we need to be able to talk across emotionally charged differences. Not just talk. Actually communicate.
And yet, I’ve struggled to do it myself in my own family and friend groups, particularly with evangelical Christians—the very group supporting so much of the harm happening right now, either overtly or by standing by.
I have stood by, too, in many cases. Other times, I’ve lashed out ineffectively. And yes, sometimes I have spoken up—like when I talked to my conservative mother about voting for Kamala despite her strong anti-abortion views.
But I haven’t done what I thought was most needed—as often or as well as my heart has wanted me to.
So, choosing to attend a gathering where everyone present was committed to respectful conversations across lines of difference—on the charged topic of DEI?
An obvious yes.
But in other ways, this choice was a pattern-breaker for me—an interruption of behaviors that have kept me playing small, hiding, and not taking the actions that are mine to take.
Breaking My Own Patterns
Saying yes to this event meant:
Staying up past my bedtime—on a day I had already gotten up at 4:30 AM to take my husband to the airport.
Driving into D.C. during rush hour. (I love highway road trips with a good book or podcast, but city traffic? Not my thing.)
Walking into a room full of strangers. (Surprisingly, this time I felt calm. Growth happens!)
Finding parking in D.C. (This was the biggest stressor. For whatever reason—maybe too many TV crime scenes—I hate parking garages. I also hate parallel parking under pressure. And honestly? Even figuring out how a paid lot works makes me anxious. "What if I get it wrong?")
How I Supported Myself Through the Shift
I held a vision bigger than my fear.
The work I wanted to do mattered more than my discomfort.I trusted I’d be okay without perfect sleep.
I managed my thoughts about it and chose to believe I’d be fine. (And I was! Though I definitely wasn’t 100% the next day. Still worth it.)Meeting new people wasn’t as hard as it used to be.
Decades of practice + some divine intervention made this easier.I gave myself extra time for parking.
I left an hour early, drove around for 30 minutes without self-judgment, and finally chose a garage I had driven by a couple of times. I took a picture to remember where I parked and walked to the event.
The Power of Gentle Pattern-Breaking
Do you see the gentleness in this approach?
For much of my life, fear and anxiety have held me back—keeping me stuck. When I finally reached a breaking point, I often forced myself forward, barreling over my fear just to get unstuck.
And sometimes, that was better than staying stuck.
But more and more—especially in this time in history—I am discovering the power of gentle pattern-breaking.
It has a deep calm to it, even when courage is called for.
It feels solid—not panicked, not frantic.
It feels like a trustworthy energy.
And it still brings change.
No forcing.
No coercing.
No running over anything or anyone.
Your scared parts don’t have to be in the driver’s seat.
But they don’t have to get run over either.
Your Turn
What patterns are keeping you playing small and scared?
They may look different from mine, but I have a hunch one or two feel just as "silly."How has it worked for you when you’ve harshly judged yourself for being afraid—or for not taking actions you think you should take?
How has it worked when you’ve forced yourself to change patterns yesterday already!?
There is incredible power in gentle pattern-breaking.
Try it—and let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear.
Deb
P.S. Pattern-Breaking as Resistance
Gentle pattern-breaking is the opposite of much of the breaking we see around us today.
Maybe this is part of how we resist—not by fighting back with our own violence or judgments—but by refusing to comply.
By following a vision rooted in collective thriving—one that is more compelling than the comfort of our usual behaviors.
Resources for Gentle Pattern-Breaking
✨ For Personal Growth & Care
Check out the resources page by life coach Bettina M. Jones, who specializes in working with professional Black women. It’s so rich—especially the Embodied (Body and Soul) Care section. Better yet? Work with her!
🌿 For White Women Who Want to Speak Up
Join a growing community of gentle but determined pattern-breakers. Get on the waiting list for Next Step Forward—our next gathering is Sunday, April 13 at 3:00 PM ET.
🎙️ For Practicing Conversations Across Difference
If you want to experience what it’s like to approach tough political conversations with openness, consider attending a Braver Angels National Debate (all online). They also offer free e-courses to help you have more effective conversations right where you are.