Sh*tty First Drafts Are A Way Of Life
Happy Spring Equinox! (a day late)
Here's the Bad News
There’s no way to learn how to walk without falling, or to talk without saying things “wrong.”
There’s no way to become better at noticing your hidden biases, and unconscious “blindspots,” or to build relationships with people who have very different lived experiences and belief systems than yours, or to be a better ally for those who have less privilege than you do without messing up.
That’s just how human learning works.
If you’re white person seeking to do less racial harm, a middle-class person seeking to build mutually respectful and honoring relationships across class lines, or a person with some other privilege who really wants to be good at, well, being THE GOOD ONE, hurting no one, and avoiding offense.
I get it.
There will probably always be parts of me that want to be seen and experienced as “the GOOD one.” The Good White Person especially.
But that’s the wrong goal. And it’s an impossible one. And though I started by saying this is bad news, it's really not.
Think about that little toddler stumbling around like a drunken sailor. Can you see the joy on her face as she takes those faltering steps?
Mistaken steps can be filled with joy as well as the pain that comes from the inevitable falls.
You don’t have a choice about making mistakes and failing from time to time. There have to be sh*tty first drafts (as author Anne Lamott likes to say).
But you do have a choice about how much you enjoy the journey. And did I mention that joy is one part of how we resist autocratic authoritarians who want us to live in fear and anxiety? That's what journalist and historian Anne Applebaum said in a recent interview with Jessica Yellen, and she studies this stuff for a living.
So let's go forth and make some courageous mistakes with joy, shall we?
Ways to practice joy-filled, mistakes on the way to being a better ally at this very important time in history.
You can choose to tell yourself, “I’m just a toddler. Look at me! I’m learning!” You can choose to have toddler joy too as you stumble your way along.
You can choose to surround yourself with support. Think of how her mother or father or brother or cousin cheers her on and then gathers her up in their arms when she falls and starts crying. You can be your own inner mother telling yourself, “Oops, you fell down. That’s okay. You’re okay. Here let me kiss it.” And you can gather friends and colleagues around you who you know you can call when you need someone to pick you up after a fall. Or join the next gathering of Next Step Forward.
You can practice celebrating yourself. Yes, for real and make it physical. Clap for yourself. Pump your fist in the air. Jump up and down. Dance. Our brains aren't great and distinguishing between so-called “big” wins and little ones and they will reward you with feel-good chemicals that will energize you for your next step.
As Glennon Doyle has become known for saying, “We can do hard things.”
But we can’t constantly do them alone and we can’t do them perfectly.
What if it’s possible that’s not just okay, it’s part of the fun of the journey?
I look forward to hearing about the joyful first wobbly steps and the comforting kisses you experience along the way.
For love and thriving,
Deb
P.S. Some resources to check out if you want more:
Brene Brown’s book: The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s an old one, but still my favorite of hers.
*Transform Your Hidden Bias,* A digital course created by Aminata Sol Plantwalker Firewoman (formerly Dr. Amanda Kemp).