The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?
So, how’s it going, Courageous Thrivers?
Did you gather with family or friends last week to celebrate Thanksgiving?
Did you gather to mourn the loss of Indigenous lives and lands?
Did you do both?
Did you laugh until you could hardly breathe? Go shopping? Hide in a closet until your brother-in-law went home?
If you’re not in America (and therefore American Thanksgiving isn’t a thing for you), I suspect you can relate to the complications of families and holidays and the challenges they can bring.
Wherever you are, were you able to make space for the both/and of the complicated history of your nation and the people in your life as we talked about in last week’s blog? And to care for yourself too?
If you’re reading this, whatever you chose and whatever showed up, you made it through.
But for most of you, this is just the calm before the storm. There are so many different holidays coming around the corner now. It’s likely that you’re celebrating one, or many, of them.
How’s that feeling for you?
Exciting? Heavy?
Are you numb? Delighted? Overwhelmed?
Holidays are complicated.
And part of the complication is that we think that they “should” be simple, uncomplicated, and happy — like in the movies.
The pressure for perfection is often especially heavy for those, often moms, who feel that they must orchestrate everyone else's holiday happiness.
And that idea brings pressure for kids too—who are supposed to be happy (or at least act happy)—as a result of all the work that goes into creating this perfection.
And no, these challenges don’t come close to comparing to war or threats of deportation or cancer or poverty.
AND when we jump out of our feelings to lecture ourselves about other people’s pain, have you noticed that it doesn’t tend to lead to lessening their pain at all?
You’re first job is to feel what you feel, only then you will have the wisdom, and capacity, to take the actions that are yours to take.
So today, more than anything, I want to give you room to have this holiday season be whatever it is.
Which is most likely a big complicated mess of happy and sad, perfect and imperfect, horrible and beautiful.
Yup. We’re back again at the “both/and”.
There are small disappointments, that feel extra big because of the hopes that we held that have now been dashed. And really big griefs, that are heightened by the desire to relax, have fun, and celebrate.
Holidays are inevitably a mix of joy and sorrow
Adult children who head home to their families of origin and discover that they don’t feel quite at home there anymore.
Families in which a loved one has died feel the loss more acutely.
Individuals who are alone and don’t want to wonder if they matter to anyone.
Political and religious differences add an extra challenge for those whose views differ from the perspectives of many of their family members.
For those who hold an identity deemed unacceptable by their loved ones, holidays can be particularly heartbreaking.
And people who have made hard choices to set new boundaries that others don’t like, feel both the loss of relationship and the sting of critique.
Whatever your sorrows are in the midst of the glitter and glam of “the most wonderful time of the year” I’m here to remind you that you don't need to tell the story that you're "supposed to be happy," that your family is supposed to be different than what it is, or that you should just suck it up and be grateful.
Those stories will only increase your suffering.
One of the best things you can do for yourself in whatever your mix of experiences is this season is to let it all just be what it is.
Feel the feelings.
If you feel grief, let the wave of sorrow run through you and out of your eyes.
If it’s overwhelming happiness, revel in it!
If you feel lonely. Notice it. Stay with yourself.
If you’re angry, feeling it doesn’t mean you have to express it all over everyone! Write it out, hit a pillow, go for a run, then decide what you want to say or do.
Feelings are for feeling. We feel first, then decide if there’s an action to take.
Judging the part of you that doesn’t feel what you want it to feel doesn’t help change it. It just wedges the feeling deep in your body - it turns it into a trauma your system has to lock down and guard. Then you get to use lots of your precious Life energy keeping it there and dealing with the discomfort of the symptoms it causes.
So let’s not do that.
Feelings - even the uncomfortable ones - are amazing sources of wisdom.
So, here’s my invitation as those inevitable feelings arise. Listen.
Thank your emotions for coming alongside you this holiday season, ready to help you notice when you’re on the path that’s right for you and when you’ve started following the beat of someone else’s drum.
And as my grandmother used to say, “Don’t do anything in the name of fun that isn’t fun.”
Here's to thriving and equity, big love and big feelings,
Deb
P.S. After prepping this piece for posting I got to practice what I preach when I felt heart-heavy and grumpy on the day when we’d planned to put up our Christmas tree. I tried all my usual tactics to move the energy through — dancing, shaking, journaling, walking outside, and there it still sat — a heavy weight in front of my heart. In the past, I would have “rallied” and tried to at least act merry, but I knew if I did my very insightful son would be aware of my “off” energy. So I told him and my husband what I was feeling and suggested that we could go forward - with them knowing that my feelings weren’t about them, or they could put the lights on without me, or something else. My son said he’d rather postpone, so we did. Then I curled up in bed with my depressed heart and just let it be depressed. No judgment, no fixing.
The amazing thing was that in my absence Dave and my son ended up having a really connecting and special conversation that would have been very unlikely had we done what was planned. But even if there hadn’t been a bonus benefit, my choice to accept what was true about myself without beating up on myself was healing in and of itself.