Thanksgiving - Good? Bad? Both?
It’s Thanksgiving in the U.S., so I imagine that few of my readers will be tied to the computer anxiously awaiting my Thriving for Equity thoughts. For the few of you who’ve decided to show up, I hope you will find room here for exactly whatever it is that you are experiencing today.
And if you're not in the U.S., I hope you can make connections to challenges you face when beauty and suffering meet - which is pretty much the story of being human.
Like many of you, I suspect, I can’t say “Happy Thanksgiving” without cringing a bit. As lovely as the idea of gratitude is, there are serious problems with this holiday.
Just because it’s not technically religious like Christmas or Easter. And just because it’s about gathering together and eating good food, which most people agree are good things, that doesn’t mean we can gloss over the pain and suffering that are at the core of this holiday.
The way that European Americans broke treaties with and caused (and still cause) all kinds of suffering for Native Americans isn’t something to gloss over with a cute picture and a blithe “Happy Thanksgiving.”
AND…
A holiday dedicated to gratitude is a beautiful thing. America is a nation that has much good in it (though it’s admittedly hard to see at the moment and for some has always been hard to see). I’m thankful to be a citizen of this country.
AND ALSO,
This year, the November elections revealed even more of our ugliness and deep divisions. So this holiday might be even more charged than usual for you.
Some of your loved ones may have voted against your safety and dignity.
As a result, some of you have set new boundaries with family members or decided not to attend a gathering you would usually attend. Some feel increased anxiety about how dinner conversations will go. Or might be thinking of moving to a place where Black people and trans folks are more respected and protected. Or all of the above.
At this time of year especially, it’s important that you care for yourself first.
In case you need an extra boost to make a choice that will upset some people. Permission granted. No one else is responsible for you. You are, though. And you get to choose to honor that responsibility.
As for me, I’m pretty well-resourced right now and I’ve been working to increase my capacity to feel discomfort. So I’m practicing holding the hurt and the hope together.
I’m committing to speaking my truth, setting clear boundaries, and remaining open-hearted at the same time, to the best of my ability.
I’m holding the fact that I participate in oppression and am the target of oppression, in my one body.
I am holding the incredible goodness of human beings alongside the incredible awfulness that is also who we are, both individually and collectively.
Acknowledging the both/and is messy business.
It’s easier to eviscerate the horrible white people (and/or the evil meat-eaters, or Republicans) – call Thanksgiving wrong and those who celebrate it evil.
OR call Thanksgiving good, say prayers, and label those who question its goodness as over-reacting liberals, who are unreasonably angry and ruin all the fun.
Family gatherings can give us a good place to practice working with the mess of both/and.
Valentine Family Thanksgiving 2024
Because in our families of origin and chosen families, we see multiple facets of people who we might otherwise caricature as all good or all bad.
We know family members whose views cause us—personally, at our core— immense suffering AND YET we also know that they love us deeply, if very, very imperfectly.
that grandparent who makes sexist comments, but who helped pay our college tuition despite not understanding why a girl needed to go to college.
the sister-in-law who babysat our kids for free all the time when they were growing up, but who just voted in a way that endangers their safety.
the sister who is a peace activist when we have family members who died in military service and see her work as a slap in the face to their sacrifice.
the Christian, or the pagan, whose religious beliefs seem so WRONG to us—or whose beliefs label US as being SO WRONG.
We feel pain and anger and deeply disagree, and we ALSO see their beauty and goodness.
It is not easy, but somehow, sometimes, we find a way to hold the both/and.
Reminder again - in case you missed it. Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes, in order not to harm ourselves we need to keep our distance. If that’s you this year know that you aren’t obligated to anyone. Choose love for yourself first.
BUT . . .
Some of us are resourced enough right now to hold the messy, humanness of it all - even if it feels scary and uncomfortable.
For those of us who are white, doing so can be work that is in support of our BIPOC friends, colleagues, and family members. Because we might get to have a conversation that makes a difference in how our loved ones act in the future.
For those of us who are cis-gender, holding the both/and as we interact with family members who voted against safety and dignity and health care for trans and gender-fluid people, might give us the chance to offer a new perspective that may chip away at rigid beliefs based in fear.
Scared people are scary. Scared people do a lot of harm.
I believe that when we can hold the contradictions of humanity, we take a step towards healing and reconciliation for all of us.
So, my hope for you all (and for myself) this Thanksgiving (whether you choose to celebrate it or not) is this:
May you find rest and restoration and laughter and love in the midst of suffering, oppression, and big problems that need solving — but can’t all be solved today.
May your heart grow a little bit bigger, so you can hold more of the harm and the hope that is your heritage.
May you find the strength to take one more step towards doing your part to bring more of the latter and less of the former.
And may each of you be safe and protected, honored and respected.
And when you need rest, may you rest deeply.
Here’s to thriving and equity, the mess and the magic of being human,
Deb
P.S. Two great books by Native American authors that I highly recommend. Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer - Elizabeth Gilbert described it as a "hymn of love to the world." I loved listening to it on Audible - it's read by the author. And, Whereas Poems by Layli Long Soldier (which has won multiple awards). I learned about the latter by listening to an interview with her on On Being.
P.S.S. A guide for me in choosing to love this nation with honesty about the pain it causes is the poetry of Richard Blanco’s book How To Love a Country especially the “Declaration of Interdependence”. Read an excerpt here.