Learning to hold rejection without shutting down
Life has me in the school of being rejected lately.
I don’t appreciate it.
And also, I do. Because I know it’s what I need to grow the h*ll up. And I want to grow up and do what is mine to do while I’m on this earth.
And also, I don’t want to grow up. It’s too hard. It’s too lonely. I don’t like how it hurts my heart.
Working through rejection—whether direct or indirect, like being ignored or unnoticed—and the heart-hurt that comes with it is hard. Feeling heart-hurt without shutting down, lashing out, or running away? Now that’s a thing.
Especially, I think, for sensitive, spiritual women like me.
Especially for people with brains wired to feel EXTRA rejected from the smallest of slights.
Especially, I think, for privileged white women (with important caveats—I’ll explain below).
Why it’s especially hard for sensitive, spiritual women
First, because we notice everything—the tiniest energy shifts, subtle tone changes. So we’re feeling rejected often. Multiple times a day. Sometimes multiple times an hour.
We may be feeling a real rejection or misattunement, even when the other person doesn’t realize it happened. And sometimes, we’re just feeling things that aren’t happening at all.
Second, we carry big visions of a world rooted in Love. These visions feel real during prayer, meditation, or a walk in the woods—but they often fall apart when we’re working with actual humans.
Why it’s especially hard for people with rejection-sensitive brains
This is sometimes called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and it’s often associated with ADHD.
The Cleveland Clinic puts it this way:
“Experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense.”
That explanation matches my lived experience.
Any of you feel this kind of emotional intensity around rejection? Or have a close relationship with someone who does?
It can be exhausting—for everyone.
Why it’s especially hard for privileged white women
Let me be clear—this is not because Black women or other women of color feel less pain. That dangerous narrative has been used to justify unspeakable violence.
Historically, in most Western contexts, all women had to be attached to a man in order to have power. So rejection has long been a real threat to survival for all women.
In my view, for white women with class, ability, and social privilege, rejection is especially hard primarily because we haven’t PRACTICED moving through it.
One reason: white women of privilege have been positioned as needing protection in colonialist, capitalist, white supremacist culture. We’ve been sheltered like young trees in a greenhouse.
The result? Shallow roots. And when a storm comes, we topple.
Another reason: because of how our current oppressive structures dehumanize those in power, many of use who grew up with ample financial resources have also experienced painful rejection and judgment from within our families of origin. And now we carry an embedded sense that we’re not enough.
So we seek external approval, when what we really need is internal strengthening.
And finally, many of us have just enough financial comfort to avoid the work. We can keep booking retreats, numbing out with food, scrolling, shopping, or bingeing shows rather than sitting with the pain and doing the uncomfortable emotional reps.
What now?
So now that we’ve named the patterns—what do we do with all this?
Here’s my invitation (and challenge) especially for those of us who are multi-privileged, spiritual white women:
We have to learn to work with our sensitivity to rejection in ways that make us stronger, not smaller. Stronger, not more fragile. Stronger, not more numb.
We need that strength to help build a world rooted in Interdependence and Love.
How to begin
Start with self-compassion.
Recognize that it is actually harder for you than for some others to manage the heartbreaks of rejection, and other kinds of heartbreak too. Just like it’s actually harder for someone who is missing a hand to carry things. There’s nothing wrong with them, or you. But you both need to work with the reality of your challenges.
Accept our interdependence. And find the support you need.
As humans, we need support. Sometimes that means environmental adjustments (no social media, a quiet bedroom).
Sometimes human support (friends who will both comfort and lovingly challenge you).
Sometimes non-human (dogs, trees, specific foods or rituals).
The key is to find a balance of unconditional love and challenge to grow. Because you can grow.
Start training. Get stronger.
I’m not gonna lie—this part is uncomfortable.
As I said at the start, I’m in a rejection-training program right now (not by choice, but here we are). I don’t love it. Just like I don’t love the hip exercises my amazing trainer assigns me. But I want to hike, walk, and live freely in my body, so I do them.
And emotionally, I want to show up and do what is mine to do in this world—especially now.
So I’m practicing:
Feeling the hurt and not shutting down
Asking for what I want and accepting “no” without crumbling
Staying in groups where silence feels like rejection
Finding other ways to meet my needs
Choosing to offer love even when it doesn’t feel reciprocal—when I can do it authentically
This is what it looks like. This is the work.
Not to avoid rejection—but to move through it with integrity, strength, and heart.
Here's to Thriving and Equity and increasing our capacity to be humans with hearts that are open to ALL of it,
Deb