I am a wealthy spiritual white woman.

I am a wealthy spiritual white woman who isn’t doing enough.

I hoard resources for myself. I turn away from others’ pain. I focus a lot of emotional energy on things that don’t really matter.

I am out of touch with the suffering of others. I don’t deserve what I have. It’s an unearned privilege.

I am selfish and self-centered and not courageous enough. I’m not taking enough action.

I’ve f*-ed up and caused harm to people I love - people I love with all my heart - especially my sons, who are bi-racial young men.

I’ve caused harm to people I’ve intended to help - especially when I’ve acted as “white savior”.

I’ve caused harm to people I don’t know. Especially when I’ve stood by while harm has happened on my watch. And through my participation in structures and systems that perpetuate harm.

I don’t want any of this to be true, but it is true.

AND ALSO

I am a wealthy spiritual white woman who is working hard to change, is changing, and is doing some good. 

I have had the courage to try new actions, to live in new places that I’d previously been afraid of.

Long ago, I faced the discomfort I felt when I experienced - for the first time - being a racial minority in a classroom.  I allowed it to be an opening and an invitation to see my privilege and the injustice of our school systems.

Long ago I faced the discomfort I noticed in myself when I held the hand of a Black man in public.  I moved past that conditioned response and I'm deeply grateful for the relationships I have that I might never have had otherwise.

I’ve challenged my biases. I’ve found compassionate truth-telling guides, colleagues, and friends to support me. I’ve become more aware and more skilled. 

I’ve practiced and practiced and practiced and done therapy and gotten coaching and spent tens of thousands of dollars to heal from internalized white supremacy and the shame I layered on top of my increasing awareness.

AND ALSO

I am a wealthy spiritual white woman who has lived too long in shame.

When my growing awareness of racism intersected with religious fundamentalist teachings and internalized misogyny, I dove deep into shame and hid there for decades.

But when I saw what I was doing I learned new, much more effective, ways to work for justice.

I learned to have compassion for myself and I keep practicing that.

I’ve learned to forgive myself and I keep practicing that.

And at the same time, I practice telling myself hard truths - and taking in hard truths others tell me about myself and my impact.

I intentionally worked to increase my emotional capacity, so I could hold suffering without being overcome and taken out by it.

I no longer have to turn away in order to avoid falling apart.

I no longer need to defend myself against heartbreak, grief, and despair. I can feel it all and move it through and stay openhearted and grow “strong in the broken places.”

 Not perfectly.

Not all the time.

I’ve practiced and practiced and I keep practicing these things.

I keep learning how to discern what’s my work to do and my way to do it instead of hating myself for not doing what I (or someone else) thinks I should be doing.

All of this is also true.

My determination and resolve today is woven from all of these threads and more. As is my love, compassion, delight, and joy.

I recognize the limits of my humanity. But I also recognize the incredible power I have to choose.

You have this power too.

So as this new presidential term begins in the U.S., let's use the power of creative choice to heal ourselves, to support each other, and to take action in alignment with our values.

My work is the work of Both/And

Of building bridges. Of holding complicated paradoxes together in the beat-up, wrinkled, spotted hands that are mine.

I am beautiful and I am not.

I am Love and I am not.

I am Divine and I am Human.

Sometimes I am here on Earth and not here in my body at the same time.

Many times I have not wanted to be here anymore.

And. I. Have. Chosen. To. Stay.

And so have you. I’m so glad you did.

Sending you so much love, and the vision of your own flourishing.

My you rise up out of the cold freeze and radiate your beauty like the first Spring crocuses.

May your radiance warm not only you, but so many others.

For those who wish to radiate love in a practical way, consider supporting domestic workers impacted by the L.A. fires.

Here’s to thriving and equity. And creatively choosing all the other Life-affirming both/ands that we’ve been told don’t go together.

Deb

P.S. If you want to view new possibilities in a world that wants you to believe there isn’t enough to go around, I recommend listening to (or actually reading) Robin Wall Kimmerer's. The Serviceberry.